Building Resilience

Resilience is the ability to adjust or "bounce back" after something bad has happened. It is the buffer to life’s adversity. It can be developed and strengthened throughout life.

Building Resilience in Children

Children begin developing resilience from the moment they are born. Infants learn to trust in their first year of life, and toddlers begin to test their independence, developing self-regulation skills. What children learn about relationships, self-regulation, and taking action, impacts how they function as adults. Trusted caregivers can foster resilience during these critical stages of development by providing safe, stable, and nurturing environments for children to build their resilience skills and thrive.

Relationships & Attachment

Strong relationships and healthy attachments teach an infant that their world is safe. This helps them gain confidence, explore their environment, and build resilience. There are many ways to support healthy attachment. Some of these strategies include recognizing and responding to cues, spending quality time together, and demonstrating affection. Kindness and patience can be modeled by using a calm and gentle voice. Ultimately, healthy attachment is built upon the feelings of safety and security.

Internal Beliefs

What you believe about yourself and what you are capable of can have a big impact on how you feel, what you do, and the relationships you form. The messages we convey to children, even if through our body language, often shape the internal messages that they tell themselves. Adults can model positive internal beliefs for children by practicing self-compassion out loud. For example, you might say “it’s okay to make mistakes,” “I tried my best,” or “sometimes I feel sad and that’s okay.” Adults can also practice positive affirmations with children. Some examples might be “I am strong,” “I am smart,” “I am kind,” “I am important,” or “I am loved.”

“Speak to children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on earth, for what they believe is what they will become.”   -- Brook Hampton

Self-regulation

Self-regulation is the precursor to adult self-control. It is the child’s evolving ability to identify, express, and appropriately manage their feelings. A caring adult can support a child’s development of self-regulation by developing and maintaining routines, naming and discussing feelings, offering choices, providing support when mistakes happen, and problem-solving together.

Taking Action

As children begin to think and act independently or try to do things for themselves, they begin developing the skill of taking action. Children who have strengthened this skill will readily try new things or show persistence after an unsuccessful attempt at trying something new. Adults can support a child in developing and strengthening this skill by playing simple games, setting up family routines, celebrating accomplishments together, and encouraging perseverance.

For tools to practice resilience-building skills with your child(ren), check out our Resources and Help page.

Building Resilience as an Adult

Relationships

Research has shown, that having trusting, safe, and supportive relationships with peers, family members, colleagues, mentors, and religious leaders is critical to building our resilience so that we are better equipped to face life’s stressors. Healthy relationships should consist of respectful communication, mutual support, and agreed upon boundaries and expectations. A healthy relationship creates feelings of safety, care, support, and joy. Taking an inventory of your relationships can help you determine which ones are healthy and which ones may need attention. Do you have good friends who support you in making good decisions? Do you provide support to others? Do you trust your family or close friends? 

If you recognize that you are in an unhealthy relationship dynamic, take time to reflect on your boundaries and expectations. If it is safe to do so, have a respectful conversation to try and reach a mutual understanding. 

Always prioritize your safety. Seek professional support if you feel that you are in a dangerous situation. Visit Domestic Violence Support (National Domestic Violence Hotline), text ‘START’ to 8878, or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Internal Beliefs

Internal beliefs are the feelings, thoughts, and core beliefs we have about ourselves and about our capability. When our internal beliefs are positive, we are more resilient when faced with stressors. What are some of your personal strengths? How do you describe yourself? What are you grateful for? What were some values or beliefs your family had when you were growing up? How do you feel about those values today? What values do you want your children to learn from you? Some strategies for developing and strengthening positive internal beliefs include practicing self-compassion and mindfulness, identifying personal strengths, challenging negative internal beliefs, and reciting positive affirmations. 

Check out Jessica's Daily Self-Affirmations for inspiration.

Self-regulation 

Self-regulation is the ability to experience and manage various emotions and to express them in ways that are effective and societally appropriate. Self-regulation can be learned and practiced through a variety of stress-management techniques. Start by identifying how you are feeling. What is your current stress level? Paying attention to your stress level can help you identify what you need in the moment. Some strategies for self-regulation include removing yourself from a stressful situation, taking a break, physical activity, or talking to a friend. You can also engage in an expressive activity to distract your limbic system. This could include laughing, singing, listening to music, dancing, journaling, writing, drawing, building or creating something, cooking, or enjoying the outdoors.

For a Feelings Chart and a Handout on Stress Zones, visit our Resources and Help page.

Taking Action

Being proactive and taking action when faced with stressors helps strengthen the ability to effectively solve problems as they arise. Often times, motivation follows action, and it can be challenging to take action when a situation feels overwhelming or causes stress. This is where opposite action comes in! Emotions bring about natural behavioral reactions, and sometimes, acting on natural behavioral reactions is not in our best interest. For example, if you are feeling sad or depressed, you may feel that you want to isolate yourself, stay in bed, or avoid responsibilities. Opposite action, a practice originating in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), encourages doing an action that is opposite from how we naturally feel. For the situation in the example, opposite actions you might take include going outside for a walk, calling a friend, or taking a shower. Some other strategies to strengthen this skill include setting boundaries, creating SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, time-bound) goals, and asking for help.

For a Stress Resilience Action Plan template to help you set SMART goals, visit our Resources and Help page.

A selection of printable handouts are available on our Resources and Help page to use as tools to practice your resilience-building skills.